A letter to my sister, on the eve of our goodbye

To my beautiful, brave, and incredible older sister:

So. It's happened. You've bought your first ever one-way ticket. You've sent in all the possible applications you could possibly ever send in. You've cried. You've laughed. You've dreaded this day for way too long.

There are so many things to say, and yet, now that it has come down to this one moment, I've found that I am almost at a loss for words. What do you say to a person that you've spoken to every day of your life, and yet you still have so much to say to? What do you say to the person that knows you about as well as any person possibly could? What do you say in the face of goodbye?

Early this morning, I was sitting at breakfast with mom and Maria, just going through the usual morning routine. You were upstairs, still fast asleep. I was chewing on my customary soggy Raisin Bran. Mom was thoughtfully sipping her coffee. Maria was grimacing at the label of her vitamin tablet packaging. We were talking about everything and nothing, and then suddenly we were talking about you. We were talking about the goodbyes you would have to say, and all the things you need to be thinking about right now.

It was mostly mom talking, rambling and sniffling just like she usually does when she talks about you and your future. And then, I said one simple thing that got me started as well.

"I wish I could take it away from her. Not the relationships she had, but the pain of when it all had to end."

And I started to cry. Because you know what? It really does make me sad. I was thinking about all the really difficult things you've had to go through these past few months. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. And even more goodbyes. It made me so sad to think that the only people who are really, truly constant in your life are dad, mom, Maria, and me. And in only a few weeks, you'll have to say goodbye to us, too.

I can't imagine how you must feel right now. I'm so scared for you, even though I know I don't need to be. I'm so afraid of that feeling you'll feel as you're on that one-way plane out of here, leaving behind the only life you've ever known and embarking on a journey to a life you still have no idea about. But most of all, I'm just really sad for you. I cry for you. There are times in my day when I think about you leaving, and I just need to cry for a bit -- not necessarily because I'm going to miss you, even though I definitely will. Mostly because I know that you're in one of those seasons that is full of tears and heartbreak.

But I'm also so excited for you. I'm excited for you, because I know that in the midst of all the sadness and goodbyes, there will be times when you will laugh uncontrollably until your stomach aches and you can't breathe. There will be moments when you stop what you're doing just because you want to soak up the joy of a moment of complete contentment. There will be times when you will sing, loudly and high-pitched, because you feel free and happy and comfortable with where you are and who you're with. There will be times when everything you've gone through before was worth it, because it brought you to one place of pure happiness. I'm excited for those things. Even after all the tears and goodbyes, there will still be moments where you will be happy. And I'm hopeful for those moments.

I feel all these things because I love you. Who ever said loving somebody was easy? It's painful. It consists of a lot of crying, a lot of sniffling, but also a whole lot of laughing.

I really am going to miss you. I'm going to miss your tall-person hugs that make me feel sort of small. I'm going to miss the way you join in a song I'm singing, about two octaves higher, all high-pitched and squealing. I'm going to miss having somebody in my room when I get home from school. I'm going to miss your random wife-training whims that make you clean the entire house in an afternoon. I'm going to miss the way you make the small good things in a day full of big bad things seem really important. I'm going to miss all of you, every last inch.

I'm probably going to look up at my wall of photos every once in a while and sigh sadly, and maybe cry for a bit. And you'll probably have similar moments in Switzerland or in college, when you just want to Skype your family at home even though it's 3am on our side of the world.

I love you so much. And even though it hurts sometimes, I'll never regret being your sister. I'll always be your sister. May we never do that awkward three-kiss thing. May we never shake hands. May we forever greet each other like we saw each other only yesterday, with huge smiles and nice tall-people hugs. I look forward to it.

Much love,

Your little sister, Sarah.

My Thanksgiving Thoughts

In my English class today, we were told to, in the mindset of thanksgiving, reflect on the goodness of God. I thought that, since I haven't written anything in a while due to my lack of time in the midst of studying, studying and more studying, it may be interesting to post my reflections.

Here goes.

What first comes to mind when I think about the goodness of God is the fact that we don't actually deserve any of it. Wait -- that may sound a little harsh. But let me explain.

One of the things that I find most unfathomable and amazing about God and His character is the fact that He, the Holy One, the creator and owner of everything in the universe, so full of love and purity, still created man, a being with free will, that chose to be evil rather than good.

And yet, God still loved us.

He still loved us to the point that He, even after having created us in His image, chose to send His only Son to become one of us and die the most horrible death, just to unite us once again with God.

I will never understand exactly why He did it.

But I know this much: It was because of His love -- the kind of love that we will never be able to show or feel to the extent that He does. He loves completely and perfectly, and it's so mind-blowing to me to think that He does! We are so undeserving. We deserve to be dead. We only exist because of the love and goodness and mercy of God. ...and not only do we live, but we also have the incredible opportunity to be in relationship with the God of the universe. It is only because of God's goodness that we, lowly and sinning humans, imperfect and full of laws, are allowed to speak to and be in relationship with the perfect, almighty God. What an honor!

There is nothing I can do to even begin to deserve it. It is God's goodness alone that allows me to live and serve Him.

I think that is the fact that makes me realize that having sin in the world or having to go through hard times doesn't mean that God is not good. Just because we feel pain sometimes doesn't mean that God hates us, or is trying to punish us, or has decided not to be good for a day or two. When we finally realize how undeserving we are to even live at all, any trial or pain will seem so trivial. No matter what we go through, God's goodness is still bigger than anything. And we are alive, after all, so that is a blessing in and of itself.

God is bigger and stronger than anything we will ever go through, and He has ultimate control -- so why worry? Why be anxious? The God of the universe, who has already proven His love to us in so many ways, is in control. The same God who loves everyone equally and unconditionally and unfathomably is in control -- so I'm sure we're going to be okay.

I know it's hard.

And I'm not saying that people should ignore hard times and pretend life is a piece of cake. What I'm saying is that because of the goodness of God, we're going to be just fine.

You're going to be just fine. This is my comfort, for you, today. Even if today is a good day, full of family and smiles and laughing and turkey and mashed potatoes. Hard times will come again, and you'll find yourself curled up on your bed with tears streaming down your face again. You'll have another day during which you feel like nothing is going your way and the entire world is against you. But I'm just saying... It really is going to be okay. God is good. He really is. He is bigger than what you're going through. He is bigger than difficult times. He loves you, and He's got it under control. So you are going to be just fine.